even though i considered last night a complete failure, i slept better. and this morning was better. and i was doing well until i ran out of steam at some point around lunch and never got my groove back.
why did i consider last night a failure? i’m so glad you asked.
last night i sat down and wrote seven hundred fifty words (like i do) but let my brain do the writing rather than carefully writing out a blog post or planning out my day and that took around fifteen minutes, which is good. a success, even, but then after, ideally, i’m to go running or talking with the partner or playing a game or reading or watching a show or something that’s suitably distracting yet healthy for around thirty minutes before heading upstairs to have an unplugged brush / floss / skin / yin yoga routine before bed and instead i… lost ninety minutes surfing the ‘net and then crashed into bed around ten without doing ANY of the rest of the routine and then read for another two hours.
this morning i woke up with the AI. and let the partner “sleep in”. AND COOKED BREAKFAST. sure, it was a toasted apple flap and a couple of boiled eggs and toast with salted butter, but IT’S IMPRESSIVE BECAUSE I RARELY COOK. plus last night was supposed to be a fail, right?
apparently i Worked Some Shit Out ™ while i slept and was able to pull together enough energy to do all that stuff this morning.
now, the enigma of the hour, is why did i lose energy around lunch? and never get it back? was there something else on my mind that i “should’ve” been doing instead? during the AIs nap i filled out some paperwork to exchange my USA driver’s license and finally nab a NL one and …
okay, so then it became an exposure session because i went upstairs to print out my copy of the dutch thirty percent rule and realized that i hadn’t finished some details from the austin trip and then i’m printing out those details too and then i’m thinking about the austin trip and my brain blows it up and thinks about the original trauma, too, and then i can barely move or breathe or exist and it’s all just too fucking much.
okay, so now i remember why i lost energy.
now, is there anything i could’ve done in the moment to regain a spoon? cause the rest of the day was Really Fucking Hard ™ because of that awesomeness and figuring out how to recover more quickly from those moments is key to survival. but not in a “i felt suicidal” afterwards, but that the rest of the day, taking care of the AI and interacting with the partner, were way more difficult on all of us than it needed to be. if that makes sense. what options did i have in the moment?
go for a walk. nature and outside and breezes are awesome, but it was pouring down rain and general nasty this afternoon. now? oh, sure, it’s just lovely now that it’s been hours and there’s less pressure to recover. but that’s also key to recovery.
acceptance. there’s a certain amount of push back the brain does when you try to bury feelings and thoughts and cravings and such. sometimes the best path is really focusing on whatever is – feeling it or thinking it or tasting it – and then moving forward.
snuggle a cat. read a book. talk with the partner. play a game. but sometimes distraction really is the best medicine in the moment. as long as it’s not continual and there is a release at some point when you DEAL. like right now. or once a week when you meet with the professional. on thursdays. first thing. in the morning. cause sleep is for the weak.
yes, that’s all fine and good but what are we going to do about it RIGHT NOW.
okay, so then the plan is to finish this writing session, just like i’m doing. post it online. add the pics. publish. then go for a run. i already put on the contacs and the running clothes and hat. the shoes are by the front door. then come back home and if my brain’s still low, brush / floss / skin action, then meditation with yin yoga. if diving into those thoughts don’t allow them to rest by bed time, then i’ll engage some awesome distraction time, but set the timer for no more than an hour, cause going to sleep at midnight doesn’t help anyone. especially me.
wish me luck.