But Why Does It Hurt So Bad?

[Dutch Lock Down Day Two Hundred Thirty Nine]

I’ve ripped myself out of bed at five for the past two mornings and while it used to be something that I thoroughly enjoyed – even RELISHED – now I just feel like throwing up.

For two days now.

Not Cool, Leander.

But first the news:

I wrote about WHY I get up at five a.m. the other day and in preparation for re-establishing this habit, I printed out the second half of the post.

I read it at the end of my day here in the office. And at the beginning of my day when I get up at five.

I still feel like throwing up.

I’ve felt like this in the mornings before – when I was pregnant – but also whenever I haven’t had enough sleep or when I haven’t eaten enough the night before or when I’m sick.

So maybe I’m sick? Or am not getting enough sleep? I’m eating the same.

And I’m NOT pregnant.

Last night I went to bed a little bit earlier because yesterday was ROUGH. And this morning I nibbled on some crackers before coming out to the office. But, still, I wonder if I’m listening well enough to the message my body is trying to send.

me: WE’RE GETTING UP AT FIIIIIVE!! !

body: *hurghk*

me: Look how DARK it is outside! WHEEEE!! !

body: Like death.

me: The house is so QUIET!! !

body: Like a coffin.

me: Getting up at five feels like a SUPERPOWER! Look how much I get DONE!! !

body: Eat shit and die.

Oke, so I’m going to go to bed even earlier tonight, poor body, and we’ll see what tomorrow brings. I *may* be sick, though. And that’s not going to change with more sleep. In which case, I’ll pause for a few days and try again.

Because “No Pain, No Gain” may be the path for some people, but I am not that person.

I’m listening, Body.

I hear you.

I see you.

It’ll be okay.