Dutch Lock Down Day One Hundred Thirty Five

[Today Was Kinda Rough]

It started with a call from IT.

I couldn’t reset my laptop password. I mean, I could in recovery mode, but it would be overwritten once the operating system loaded. Or something loaded.

I hacked on it until I figured out that it was resetting the local password to match the Active Directory password which is SUPER creepy, but I guess that makes it easier to monitor my system help me when something’s wrong.

Awesome.

But first the news:

The good news is that not only was the root cause discovered, but it was ‘resolved’ in that it’s a feature, not a bug; I wrote it up so it’s ACTUALLY DOCUMENTED and moved on.

Because, really, once I know the root cause, I am chill.

Sort of.

Cause, see, in the course of the call?

I lost my goddamn mind.

Rage. Of. A. THOUSAND. SUNS.

But, wait; there’s more.

Remember when I was SUPER EMOTIONAL? I saw the GP. And he got me an appointment with a specialist. And that was today.

FYI – yes, it’s perimenopause.

That call was AMAZING – I felt heard and supported and by the end of the call, she was writing me a prescription and I’d have new medicine by tomorrow.

But, wait; there’s more.

At SIX she calls back and says j/k the medicine you’re taking now has the highest efficacy. So. You could try the other medicine, but it’s statistically unlikely to LESSEN the symptoms. But I could always go back to my GP. Who doesn’t like when I speak English. And doesn’t understand me when I speak Dutch. And doesn’t really support me.

These were the thoughts going through my head when she delivered the wonderful news and I said, very calmly when she asked how I was doing, that, “I’m … processing. And right now I’m experiencing one of those aforementioned highly emotional symptomatic moments.”

Now, I’ve had this experience before, repeatedly, that if I don’t cry and wail and sob and throw things, MOST Dutch health workers will ignore calm statements of, “I’m very upset right now; please help.”

But she shocked me right out of my downward spiral by saying, “I understand. I’m going to cancel the prescription, write out my notes and I’ll call you later this week / early next week so you have time to process.”

I think it was that UNDERSTANDING and EMPATHY that helped me process more efficiently. Because by the end of dinner, I HAD processed enough. I was calm. I was breathing. I was mulling over the situation logically instead of riding a roller coaster of doom and depression.

It was so totally weird.

And beautiful.

Eventually I decided I’m going to give it another few months to see if this isn’t resolved by lower stress levels. After all, I DID just start this new job.

The alternative is to up my fluoxetine dose, which is fine.

For a next step. In a few months.

But if I do it now, and it works, I won’t know if it’s because I’ve finally calmed down about the new job or because the meds have kicked in.

And I’d like to know.

So I can chill.