Dutch Lock Down Day Twenty Three

Photo by Creedi Zhong 
on Unsplash

I’m in this place where I want to simultaneously do a million things.

And nothing.

All at once.

But first the news:

One thing is obvious, though – time is no longer a valid excuse.

Photo by Saneej Kallingal on Unsplash

I started today with a tummy ache and went back to sleep.

Probably depression depriven?

But it’s hard to say.

There’s just so much fucking stress that it’s super difficult to keep a finger on your own damn pulse.

The good news, though, is that I managed to get an appointment with the therapist.

And I totally cried.

Even before the actual appointment, my brain was RACING with questions, “Are you having the same conversation with everyone? Is everyone freaking out right now? Are you repeating yourself? Are YOU okay?”

And then the actual appointment and there was so much to catch him up on – we haven’t spoken for WEEKS.

Because I was so solid the last time we spoke.

And then #COVID19

Photo by James Yarema on Unsplash

The TL;DR is life sucks right now.

The longer version is that I haven’t drank despite the overwhelming temptation – it’s obvious I want to drink to escape, not to celebrate. And that’s an AWESOME sign that there’s a piece of me that’s grounded.

And I’m not having suicidal ideation anymore.

Oh, maybe I didn’t mention that.

On… day three? Four? Very early on.

I had thoughts of suicide.

It freaked me out.

Understandably.

I’ve experienced this before, but it’s literally been years since it’s happened AT ALL.

The thing is, I emailed the therapist THE NEXT DAY. And we hired the nanny the next day. And the suicidal ideation STOPPED the next day.

And hasn’t happened since.

He understandably focused on that quite a bit – what I did since, how I reacted, whether or not it’s still happening.

It’s not.

It was a good call. An intense call. A required call.

And we’re going to do it again in a week.

I may not have suicidal thoughts anymore but this pandemic is still happening. Will still be happening for months to come.

I’m still freaking the fuck out.

And that’s okay, Warriors.

Cause we’re going to be okay.