Full Lock Down in the Netherlands

[Dutch Lock Down Day Two Hundred Seventy One]

I was not okay.

And then I was okay.

And then I had a panic attack.

And I’m okay again.

For now.

But first the news:

Time flows differently again.

Just now I thought it was Friday and was SHOCKED to realize it’s only Tuesday.

TUES. DAY.

How does COVID DO that?!?

I was NOT doing well yesterday when the full lockdown was announced. I did NOT do well this past spring.

Suicidal-Thoughts-Not-Well

But I was also at a job where we were barely getting by month to month. And now I’m not.

And the Netherlands didn’t care if you were only ONE essential worker – the other parent should be a full time parent AND home school AND it doesn’t matter if you’re unstable. Now they care.

And the Netherlands didn’t recognize that some families, like expats, don’t have a local support structure to watch the kids. Now they do.

As I said, yesterday I was shit.

And then I slept on it and I was pretty solid this morning.

Then it was time to drop off the twins at daycare and I had a complete panic attack.

Without suicidal ideation.

Thankfully.

My brain provided me with the very real possibility that the daycares, schools, and “emergency” care systems would reject my partner and I because, even though he is an essential worker because of his COVID research, I am a not.

But.

My brain was wrong.

By lunch today we had email from the school AND the daycare programs explaining exactly who could pay for emergency care and not only did it include essential workers, but those children who have a vulnerable situation and families who lack a support network to provide home care.

Like us.

We applied for emergency care and received it. Immediately. No questions asked. Since we applied and received it last lockdown. AND they’re explicitly including us vulnerable people. And families who lack a support network.

Yes, time is fucked up again.

But we’re starting this lockdown a million miles from where we were this past spring.

And I’ll be okay.