I Stayed In Bed Until Eleven

photo-1470949487873-6d8221d9d45cNot asleep, I just couldn’t get up.

And then I stood in the bathroom, stuck. For thirty minutes. With the shower running.

I sent my partner a text, “What is wrong with me.”

I thought going to the doctor would make me better.

But I feel worse.

Much.

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I started thinking dangerous thoughts, dark thoughts, things like, “My partner deserves better. My son deserves better.”

These are the kinds of thoughts that precedes suicidal thoughts.

And ideation precedes intention.

I cried.

A lot.

Without howling or losing control. Soft crying.

It was good.

And then I took a shower and got dressed and went to work and tackled some missing receipts.

I’m not out of the dark, but the next day was better.

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Here’s hoping.

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  • Lisa Pineau

    We are subject to pause. Only the highly intuitive-feeling experience it in the everyday. Many need Grand Canyon or ocean vista to experience profound pause, the sudden sense of mortality. Some blame the cat (I can’t move now!) but it’s all (mostly) existential awareness. Sending love and best prayers. Take good care of you, you’re a gift, and gifted. Sometimes that’s a burden. <>

  • Jo Hanna

    sending some love. its ok to have “bad feelings”. and i am sure no-one, also not your partner expects you to function or be different. or “better”.

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