Moving Back to the States: The Last Walk

[Dutch Lock Down Day Five Hundred Two]

This morning I woke up at 0330 because of a panic attack and also because I went to bed at 2130 and also because jet lag is a punk.

I struggled to go back to sleep but at four I gave up the ghost, pulled myself out of bed, and started the day.

And since I was awake, well, I went for my “traditional” morning walk.

It’s in quotes because it hasn’t happened in a long long time but it’s something I used to do DAILY.

I Signal’d with a friend in California [Hi, M!].

I listened to a podcast.

I watched the sunrise.

And I walked.

But first the news:

Today the movers come take our stuff.

And I’m so totally not ready.

Figuratively nor literally.

Photo by Olia Gozha on Unsplash

In a perfect world, by today, I would’ve packed / sorted / otherwise indicated which stuff is going with us on the plane, which stuff is going with the movers, which stuff is going with Other People, and which stuff is going into the dumpsters.

We’ve done a LOT of that, but it’s still very chaotic.

And I really need to dive into accepting that as much as possible because, well, waking up at three thirty in the morning to a panic attack is certainly not an indication of serenity.

“Grant me the #SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, #COURAGE to change the things I can, and #WISDOM to know the difference.”

So that’s where I am right now – where I’ve been for the past few days – calling into work sick because I’m having panic attacks almost constantly which is just peachy keen – but also just falling asleep.

It’s a mess.

But today is the worst day.

When the movers come and take our stuff and I somehow manage to keep them from taking the Wrong Things and if we forgot to pack anything, well, there are stores for that, and then we move into an apartment for a few days and pick up the rental car and also celebrate my partner’s birthday.

[Happy Forty Three, P!]

But it only gets easier from here, or harder, depending on your perspective, as tomorrow the WHOLE family gets COVID tests and Friday we drive down to Amsterdam and Saturday we fly to the United States.

But this morning I took a long beautiful walk, saying good bye to all the familiar sights and sounds of yesterday and tomorrow and this weekend and over the next few weeks, I’ll find my new long beautiful walk.

And I truly can’t wait to say hello.