oh, HELLO.

photo-1455692983146-bb54a19f71e0Last night I said good bye to my bestest friend, my zusje, my soulmate – and she flew back home to Atlanta.

Cause work.

And now I just wanna sleep all the time and not eat and have negative thoughts.

But I knew something like this was happening, so these are the steps I took to lessen the blow.


1. Distraction.

We kept chatting about many things – from intense subjects to light subjects – life, the universe, and everything, but never about the departure. Nope. You might also call this denial, but we also focused on when we might see one another again. I have a conference in California next month. And I’ve applied to a conference in North Carolina in October. And there might be something in November or December for the holidays. Having this hope is vital. And also planning about the next trip, next vacation, next SOMETHING is what keeps goals active and keeps YOU productive.

We also tried to do one more escape room, but it turns out that it’s closed on Mondays and Tuesdays, so No Go. And then on the way home from the airport I pretty much blasted the music so loud that the windows vibrated. My ears are still ringing.

2. Sustenance.

Jacque reintroduced me to the Starbucks Caramel Macchiato and I’ve drank three in two days. Two today. Also we kept eating candy throughout the day and had a rather large HAMBURGER lunch. With onion rings, of course. Because an empty stomach makes everything that much worse. By the time I got home from dropping her off at the airport I had utterly NO appetite (this is a red flag for me) so I forced myself to eat a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream and a massive glass of water. And take meds.

3. More Distraction.

Back at the Leanders, we focused on what’s happening tomorrow (the Porters are coming over for fresh! crab! cake! lunch!) and what’s happened in the distance past and how much we adore and love Jacque and how awesome it was to have her here. Also, I went to bed early. And slept in a bit.

Many thanks to my partner for taking care of the AI through his early morning sleep mode cancellation procedures.


4. Exposure Therapy.

But sometimes it’s important to just go ahead and deep dive into what’s going on in one’s head. Like how it’s a little bit later at night, but not quite late, and you’d like to go to sleep, but your brain is still ruminating. My neck hurts from driving so much over the weekend. And my jaw hurts from the tension. And even Sunday night, I had a bit of a freak out, but managed it by playing a mindless game application to quiet the brain so I could drift asleep. And I’m tense. And this isn’t make any sense anymore. But vacation is almost over and I have the rest of the week off of work so one of the first things I’m doing after getting home is running over to the general practitioner to make an appointment to get a referral to the specialists so we can Get This Shit Sorted Out. And just when the brain starts this negative downward spiral, the AI cries out in his sleep which rips me back to the here and now and suddenly I’m focused on Sasha, not as an AI, separate from myself, but as my son, my blood, my own and I’m stable again. But I still need to get my happy butt to the doctor, no matter how strong I feel because that instability is still there, under the surface, insidious, and until I Work Shit Out, I’ll be unreliable for my beautiful baby boy which is unfair to him and myself and my partner.

So there’s that.

I’ll bet you were hoping for a lovely final summary of the weekend.


Not sorry.

In the meantime, I hope you had a lovely holiday weekend if you are in the States and a lovely Monday if you’re everywhere else filled with rainbows and unicorns and chocolate and loved ones. And hopefully you are able to manage those negative downward spirals with distraction, sustenance, and more distraction.

And, when you’re ready, some therapy of some kind.

Cause I will, too.

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One Reply to “oh, HELLO.”

  1. We stay plugged in with a lovely provider every quarter, now five years, which keeps us grounded. We love her. My closest friend sees one weekly because she carries ongoing work and marriage stresses, husband she loves dearly isn’t a close type, though he adores her. I’m sure she loves her provider, too. We all do what works to stay balanced for loved ones, for ourselves, if we have responsible hearts. Like yours.

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