Only Counts In Horseshoes And Hand Grenades

[Dutch Lock Down Day Two Hundred Seventy Six]

ALMOST is one of those words that I really despise and also can’t help using.

This morning I ALMOST stayed in bed all day – at nine this morning, when my partner and I have an agreement – that we’ll get downstairs by nine when it’s our turn to sleep in – when that time hit this morning, I could hear the weekend caregiver’s voice and my brain said, “See? You can stay in bed now. P doesn’t need your help to take care of the kids. Sleep in more.”

And I listened.

Then the cat came upstairs to the bedroom and played with something in the room and before she protested too much or played with something too much longer, I scooped her up into the bed with me, curled her into my arm and there’s nothing as soporific as a purring, cuddling cat, “Why don’t we sleep a bit?”

And I agreed.

So it’s no surprise that it was closer to ten when I finally dragged myself out of bed and into the shower and I have no idea why. Not the why about why I took so long – there was a purring cat, after all, but the day has no pull for me – no particular appointment or need that must be met – and yet I managed to get to the shower.

And sat.

And finally got out, thinking, “Now what am I going to do with today?” The presents are ordered, but haven’t arrived, so I can’t prep for Thursday. The lockdown means everything’s closed. And my motivation has been exceptionally low for months now.

And that’s okay.

But what will I do today?

I don’t know.

But first the news:

Photo by Georgia de Lotz on Unsplash

So this morning I almost stayed in bed but then I didn’t. Instead, I managed to study Swedish and Japanese and Dutch. And meditated on kindness and self compassion. And did some yin yoga. And took a long ass walk listening to Michelle’s Becoming.

I’ve done laundry and morning pages and eaten healthily and drank chocolate milk. I’ve played with the kids and fed them and drank several cups of tea. I helped a friend with her Christmas Eve sermon.

And in a few minutes, I will have published today’s post.

In an entirely unmotivated day, I seem to be entirely productive.

What’s different?

Compassion.