[redacted] Bad Rain, No Cookie

photo-1464195244916-405fa0a82545Yesterday I wrote a vague passive aggressive post on here and immediately regretted it.

But like most things, I want to sleep on decisions before I take action, so I slept.

And I felt the same today as I did yesterday when it was published.

But then there’s the matter of how.

Just rip it down without explanation?

Edit it and leave an explanation the next day?

Cause I’m posting every day. But also I want to remember this. This feeling right now. Of not wanting it there. Because that’s not who I want to be.

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I want to be the best possible self I can be.

I often think, “Would I tell my children this? Why or why not?”

And act accordingly.

Also, I woke up in the middle of the night the other night and realized what all my nightmares are about. About the trauma, yes, but something bigger than that. I realized that I’m dreaming about The Blind Spot.

I don’t think I’ve actually written about this before. It’s a social moment when I go blind. When I think it’s a good idea to pay the ENTIRE TAB for a night out with friends. Or when I think it’s No Big Deal to do something else financially / emotionally / psychologically / physically reckless simply because I’m around other people. I don’t know why I do this. If I figured that out, I would stop.

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If I’m mindful of situations and environments and MYSELF, that I make better choices.

And yesterday I didn’t make a better choice.

So I’m making it better today.

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