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Fighting Acedia: Developing Mental Resilience

TRIGGER WARNING This article or section, or pages it links to, contains information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

In the midst of recovery, I bought entirely too many books for self help, distraction, and work.

And along the way, I read a lot of Medium and ThoughtCatalog and in those meanderings I came across the Freakonomics Peak Project which is basically about becoming GREAT at something.

I joined.

Because I want to become GREAT at mental resilience.

I know.

Odd, right?

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Big Breath In Big Breath Out

TRIGGER WARNING This article or section, or pages it links to, contains information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

Needless to say, life is a bit rough right now.

There’s a lot going on.

But.

I’m trying to focus.

To take things one day at a time and just keep swimming. Baby steps.

Last night P and I both had horrible nights. When the alarm went off – let me take a minute to explicitly state that the alarm was not my normal alarm clock, but the Littles having an animated discussion over the pros and cons of solid food versus formula – when THAT alarm went off, I groaned and asked P if he could help out this morning and he replied that he didn’t get to sleep until sometime south of four in the morning.

Ew.

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Silence Is Golden

Except when it’s not.

TRIGGER WARNING This article or section, or pages it links to, contains information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

Saturday night I went to a party.

I haven’t been to a party in… forever? Ten forevers? It’s been a while.

And I drank a bit. And I talked with people. And I’d say pretty much NO ONE knew that I’m sick.

And so when I started to get triggered. And triggered. And triggered.

I tried to act cool. Stay calm.

I just kept leaving conversations and finding somewhere else to hang out.

But then the whole party started playing this game, (DRUNK) Table Topics. And the questions themselves were triggering. So when this kid near me, who is not a Toastmaster and has no idea about quietly letting the speaker have the floor, started speaking with me about my twins, I broke all semblance of respect for the speaker or the game and focused only on that conversation.

And when others were trying to shush me, I asked him to join me in the hallway to continue our talk.

So we did.

And I ended up going home around midnight, well later than planned. I slept in. The rest of the weekend was navigating the awesomeness of a hangover plus toddler plus twins plus life.

I thought I was relatively fine.

And then Monday happened.

I got up with the Littles. Got them off to daycare. Normal morning routine.

Nothing to indicate anything was off.

But.

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Last Time I Went For An Eye Exam, I Was Pregnant

I’ve been getting headaches lately and yesterday it was so bad that I threw up.

Literally.

In the shower.

Having taken meds.

I sometimes just sit in the shower to self soothe.

Infinite hot water works for what ails you.

The medicine finally kicked in (after puking, shower, more meds, and sleep) but now I’m sitting here wondering why I’m getting headaches.

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