It’s Called Hope. I Haz It.

I haven’t been posting on but I HAVE BEEN trying to write every day. I read about ‘morning pages’ once long ago and incorporated it into my daily practice. And then I stopped. And then I started up again. And then I stopped. It’s definitely been off again on again for years.

But since the twins birth, I’ve been on more than off.

Yay, baby steps!

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Repeat, as needed.

Another habit that I want to reincorporate (besides posting here!) is strength training and exercise. Specifically with body weight and then free weights. It’s been ten forevers. The excuse is that my personal trainer moved back to Israel.

The reality is that I’m sometimes a lazy punk.

And then I was pregnant.

And, then, well, motherhood.

Continue reading “It’s Called Hope. I Haz It.”

[trigger warning] “Smile.”

14368761_10102453058832481_4428515642593704516_nTRIGGER WARNING This article or section, or pages it links to, contains information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

I will admit that I’ve lived in Europe so long that I often forget what it’s like to be cat called in public. As opposed to a pub.

Where it’s acceptable?

No. Wrong. Still no bueno.

But still.

Back to the point.

I went to see Niagara Falls today. And walk to Canada. And eat poutine.


And I did.


But also an employee of Niagara Falls Maid of the Mist boat tour company told me to “Smile” as he passed me.

Continue reading “[trigger warning] “Smile.””

[ghostwriter] No Loneliness

photo-1439321207454-5bff0eb53648GHOSTWRITER I have been quite ill for the last couple of days / weeks / months, and stopped writing entirely since 16 August. A reader took notice and asked if she could help. I asked her if she’d like to write a post or two. She said yes.

I’m a ghost, I’m a guest.

It has been awfully quite here, but today that stops. Because the worst part of being sick is the loneliness. Which gets worse when you are sick for a longer period.
To understand that you need to understand that there are easy diseases–to which everybody can relate and might even had a couple of times, you recover from them soon and life will be back to normal; a sprained ankle, a broken arm, the flu, a severe headache or a kidney stone–and hard diseases–to which only a few can relate, they are more severe and take longer to recover from, they usually are chronic, recurring or deadly; asthma, diabetes, rheumatism or cancer.

People want everything normal, so once a disease is no longer acute, recently diagnosed or visible, they will decide the sick is well enough and life continues.

However, the disease isn’t cured
and although it is nice not to be treated as a patient,
the lack of support is devastating.

The monster of loneliness attacks.

Continue reading “[ghostwriter] No Loneliness”

[trigger warning] And Then I Got Up At 0515 And Went For A Run

A photo by Sonja Langford. WARNING This article or section, or pages it links to, contains information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

The last few days have been super dark and truly unpleasant. So dark and unpleasant that I stopped writing.


Not even on

Last night as I was falling asleep at nine, setting my alarm clock for five, I started visualizing this morning.


Too far.

Lemme back up.

Continue reading “[trigger warning] And Then I Got Up At 0515 And Went For A Run”

Week Five :: 08 sep :: Dessert and Coffee Celebration and Debriefing

photo-1447523264591-68112eb55c23there are so many things i could write about today.

1. i’m feeling so much better.

and that all by itself is a good thing. so much better, in fact, (or maybe because?) that i went to try to trade in my american drivers’ license for a dutch one which is something you can only do if you (OR YOUR SPOUSE) have the thirty percent rule. we didn’t find out that spouse clause until i got my own ruling which clearly stated, in english, that my spouse is qualified as well, which landed the partner a right solid dutch scolding from yours truly who could’ve nabbed a dutch drivers license under his thirty percent rule received FIVE YEARS AGO. i only recently (a year ago) nabbed my own ruling, but all’s well that ends well, right?so i tried to go today (there’s SO MUCH PAPERWORK involved, like all government things) and i was still missing a piece (passport photo) and an appointment or you can go without an appointment tuesday through friday afternoon. as today was monday, i was shit out of luck. so i went to get a passport photo and make an appointment. in reality, i’m just going to show up tomorrow afternoon. for my lunch.

cause that’s one hell of productive lunch.


Continue reading “Week Five :: 08 sep :: Dessert and Coffee Celebration and Debriefing”

Apparently REDACTED Is My New Favorite Word

photo-1432838765905-6881a8585474Today was a continuation of therapy to address PTSD which, last week (and normally) is incredibly debilitating, but…

this morning was actually really productive.

we defined the ‘problem’ better.

i had a nightmare (actually i have nightmares every night) one night this past weekend that woke me up (also every night, so nothing new) but as i woke up, it hit me that the issue i really want to tackle is that ‘blind spot’ i mentioned earlier and we drilled down into THAT.

it’s like a mask i put on for social interactions, with friends, family, colleagues AND strangers, to ‘deal’

to deal with awkwardness
to deal with strangers
to deal with being an introvert in an extrovert situation

if that makes sense.

Continue reading “Apparently REDACTED Is My New Favorite Word”

[redacted] Bad Rain, No Cookie

photo-1464195244916-405fa0a82545Yesterday I wrote a vague passive aggressive post on here and immediately regretted it.

But like most things, I want to sleep on decisions before I take action, so I slept.

And I felt the same today as I did yesterday when it was published.

But then there’s the matter of how.

Just rip it down without explanation?

Edit it and leave an explanation the next day?

Cause I’m posting every day. But also I want to remember this. This feeling right now. Of not wanting it there. Because that’s not who I want to be.

Continue reading “[redacted] Bad Rain, No Cookie”

Enough For Today

DCIM100GOPROGOPR2819.last night was actually kind of kickass awesome, if you compare it to the rest of the week.

i managed that run / walk / jog / pokemon go thing. of course, right after i hit the streets, there was a cat call. and it sucked. and it took a few minutes to get around. but i focused on the game. and accepting those feelings and then LITERALLY moving forward. and managed a little exercise thing. after i got back there was a bit of a cool down. not much because it wasn’t much of a run, but a little chillax time. and then off to the ‘normal’ night routine that includes brushing / flossing / taking care of the skin / yin yoga and wonderful blissful sleep.

except it wasn’t wonderful nor blissful.

sometimes i totally get the idea of not letting pets sleep with you in bed because they’re little monsters who will suffocate you or play or claw you as you drowse, but last night it was like zoe KNEW. i had lots of awesome nightmares full of trauma and triggering things but also family fears and work stress and throughout the night the little bugger slept between our heads. sweetly. and cuddled mostly against me. maybe the partner will tell you a different story – that her paws were pushed up against his nose all night – but for me it was truly precious whenever i woke up.

which was a lot.

Continue reading “Enough For Today”