[trigger warning] THAT Appointment

make_an_appointment_subheaderTRIGGER WARNING This article or section, or pages it links to, contains information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

this morning was the appointment.

THAT appointment.

and when the alarm went off at six in the morning like it has for months, i opened my eyes, turned it off, said NO in my mind and went right back to sleep.

this is the kind of place that has so many no shows that they have an entire no show policy – if you don’t show once, you get a fifty euro bill. if you don’t show twice, they close up your dossier and write you off.

serious shit.

and some part of my mind knew that while I wanted to miss this appointment more than anything, it’s also Good For Me ™ and so wake the fuck up.

so it gave me a nightmare.


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This Is What A Self Help Day Looks Like

photo-1466978913421-dad2ebd01d17sleep in.

late. cause nightmares. but it’s a saturday, which is the partner’s day to sleep in, but i looked pathetic, so he got up early and let me sleep in until ELEVEN. which is unheard of. but it also meant i actually slept ENOUGH last night. which was heaven. also, tomorrow morning i’m gonna let him sleep in. i hope. cause …. there might be more nightmares tonight.


until your belly hurts. or maybe not quite that much, but that’s what we did. and also in talking yesterday i realized that one of my stress eating habits is to not eat. at all. and while i’m normally sort of aware of that, i was REALLY AWARE of that today. and therefore ESPECIALLY made sure to eat.

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Hello, Darkness, My Old Friend

mW95rWmYSRe4nTMVaRaW_French-Mountainthis morning i woke up fine. i swear. i promise. totally fine.


as fine as i can be considered given extenuating circumstances.

i “slept in” until seven thirty, but managed to get up and take care of the AI. this is better than last week when i couldn’t even crawl out of bed, let alone take care of someone else.

i got dressed and leapt online. started checking email. logging into the work environments. this is better than last week when i just called in sick to work. and never got dressed.

as i said, there was an awesome email saying i earned my active technical contributor code for openstack summit barcelona which is totally awesome (did i mention? awesome.) and means that i’m doing well. or, you might say, “awesome”.

(this is better than last week when i wasn’t coding. at all. totally not awesome last week.)

as i said, i’ve received a lot of love and support and i cannot thank you enough. thank you thank you thank you.

thank you.

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Same Bat Time. Same Bat Channel.

typingsome things happened after i wrote [trigger warning] “I woke up in the tub”.

one, the hits / visitors / stats went through the roof. higher than i’ve ever seen, one day there were over five hundred hits. when the average before was around ten.


two, people sent their support in the form of email, calls, private messages, comments, and such. it was overwhelming and beautiful and amazing and i wanted it to never end.


but also, i felt an incredible pressure to leap forward and write the rest of the story. and simultaneously, what if the rest of the story isn’t as engaging? or what if i say something that turns people against me? or what if i can’t find the words?

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