That’s My Secret, Cap. I’m Always Angry.

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TRIGGER WARNING This article or section, or pages it links to, contains information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

After that last post, going through security and passport control, and walking ten forevers to get to the gate, I’ve had a low grade fever without the exhaustion. Which tells me I’m having a hot flash. One of the longer lasting ones, sure, but still a hot flash.

Before I can find another excuse to procrastinate, I’m going to dive into the next secret.

I’m the Hulk.

Angry.

All the time.

Sure, there’s a lot to be angry about. And, let me clarify, for this one? I’m not going stream of consciousness. Cause there’d be a lot more cursing. And all caps. And throwing laptops off of buildings.

Big breath in. Big breath out.

Photo by Benjamin Balázs on Unsplash

One of the biggest reasons why I retired from dance is that I was angry #AllTheTime – I even had a voice in my head that was basically constantly screaming at others and / or myself. It was good times. And there was plenty to be angry about back then. Dancing doesn’t pay well. So you’re working all the time. I’m not actually an extrovert, so mingling / networking / teaching classes are all against my inner nature which means less time for recovery between performances.

When I turned away from dance COMPLETELY the voice went away. The anger died down. Things were pretty nice for a long time.

Until now.

For the past couple of years I’ve been dealing with it again. Because of the third secret.

I was talking with a life coach saying that life is pretty solid right now and even the things that aren’t solid, I’m working on those. Yeah, even travel is going well, “…wait, except for the last two trips over the last two months where I drank so heavily that I was engaging in dangerous behavior almost EVERY NIGHT wait that’s not healthy, I’m going to make an appointment with my therapist.”

I’m not quoting, but I’m quoting.

My brain kind of went, “Ah, SHIT.”

See, I have these red flags in my world cause I’m someone who grew up with depression and has dealt with this kind of thing before. I’m ever vigilant for when I’m sleeping too much. Or chewing my tongue. Or low energy.

This was none of those things.

This was Not Like Me At All.

Except it was.

Just before I walked away from dance.

Part of why I forgot this feeling, this underlying constant anger, is that it’s been well over ten years.

So I made that appointment.

And, now, this is a bit of insight into the Dutch medical system, because it wasn’t an emergency, the appointment was for two weeks later.

Just this week.

I know that if I had started having suicidal thoughts or I had a trip before then, I could’ve pushed and gotten an expedient appointment, but I mostly thought I was fine, so I didn’t go until four days ago.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

I told my story. (So…. I go on these work trips, see….) And answered questions. (No, I’m not drinking alone.) And pointed out the fallacy of said questions. (Because I’m already drunk by the time I get back to my room because there’s a social event every single night.) And my therapist told me things I didn’t know about him. (That’s his story to tell.)

And by the end of the session, we had a short term plan:

  1. Keep up the cardio.
  2. Meditate.
  3. Quit drinking.

“You can always take up smoking instead.”

He was kidding.

I think.

Photo by Peter Forster on Unsplash

So that’s the second secret – I’m pissed off #AllTheTime – and it sucks.

Yes, while I’m giving speeches. While I’m cuddling with my kids. While I’m asleep. While I’m smiling and laughing and singing karaoke.

The reason why – that’s the third secret.

Sort of.

Because this anger, this is years worth of build up and lots of things culminating and the awful things that are happening in the world that only seem to get worse, but there’s a specific thing that I’ve been trying to solve for years now and I’m ready to share, to vent, to let it go.

Big breath in. Big breath out.