this morning was the appointment.
and when the alarm went off at six in the morning like it has for months, i opened my eyes, turned it off, said NO in my mind and went right back to sleep.
this is the kind of place that has so many no shows that they have an entire no show policy – if you don’t show once, you get a fifty euro bill. if you don’t show twice, they close up your dossier and write you off.
and some part of my mind knew that while I wanted to miss this appointment more than anything, it’s also Good For Me ™ and so wake the fuck up.
so it gave me a nightmare.
eighteen minutes after six, i slapped awake out of a horrible nightmare, sitting up and throwing the covers back at the same time, thinking i had missed my appointment because the fucking sun rose at fucking five forty six in the fucking morning.
i groaned, lying back in bed to calm my breath, collect my bearings, but NO WORRIES, i wasn’t going to fall back asleep.
after that, the morning was strangely productive as i managed to get myself and the AI ready for the day INCLUDING breakfast, dropped him off at daycare, and showed up to THAT appointment ten minutes early.
it was rough. intense. we talked about stuff. the goal is focus on the symptoms and addressing those symptoms and only speak on the rape “sideways”. that’s a translation foobar that made me smile, actually. she meant indirectly. vs directly. which would be exposure therapy. we’re trying the gentle approach first.
but very aggressively – cause we’re meeting once a week.
today was about finding one or two things i could try over the next week and also that i think about what measurable quantity will indicate we’re moving forward after five meetings.
my homework is a slightly restructured night routine.
i used to go to bed early and sleep in, but that hasn’t happened in ten forevers, no matter how much i try, so we’re going to embrace that and focus on a ten o’clock bedtime, instead of nine, and a six o’clock wake up, instead of five, and instead of letting the night time be whatever, but end with teeth and yoga and bed, it’ll be write, distract, teeth, yoga, bed.
also, i have a training module to complete, most likely over things i already know, but reminders are always healthy.
so how was your thursday?